Underneath
by Angel Shadowflyer
Summary: A-U "She was not cold, but she was ashamed of what she had done to herself. She had taken a knife to her wrist, and pressed down hard. It had made a deep noticable cut, like all those before it..." Warning- Character Death One-Shot


She sighed as she walked through the open doors onto the balcony. It was a bright early fall morning, with the colorful leaves floating through the air and dancing in the wind. She looked out over the suburban city she lived in, she smiled softly to herself as she thought about her life. She and her friends were far from normal. She was a Deity of Death with once long blue hair and stunning violet eyes. 

Her friends Yusuke, Kuwabara, Kurama, and Hiei were all Spirit detectives who worked for Koenma the prince of Rekai. She was also Yusuke's assistant and found it challenging to hold her temper most of the times she saw him.

She wondered what it was like to be alive and have a family that loves you, or in Yusuke and Hiei's cases just a family. She was created for the purpose of taking lost souls into the Rekai where they would find out their fate. It was a lonely job and one that took a strong personality and will power to deliver the awfull news to the new spirits.

She took a sip of the hot coffee she held in her hands, the one thing that kept her happy, hyper, and bubbly. Which is what all those who knew her expected, they wouldn't understand it if she changed. But she did, over the last night she had cut her long hair down to her shoulders a put a few red sreaks in her baby blue hair. It was diferent, and she liked it.

You see she was not who she acted she was, she was sad and depressed. When she was included she felt like she souldn't be there, like she was wasting everyones time. When she was left out she would mope around ( privitly of course ) and complain that her friends didn't care. She glanced at her wrist and pulled her already too long sleeves down even further.

She was not cold, but she was ashamed of what she had done to herself. She had taken a knife to her wrist, and pressed down hard. It had made a deep noticable cut, like all those before it. She was not proud of what she did, but it made her feal like everything that was bugging her went away for that one moment at least. ( If you do cut, and I know there are poeple out there who do, Im sorry if this affends you. But I do understand, somewhat, of how you feel because I have atleast 3 friends who cut. So sorry if that offened you. But please try to get help, its scary! )

She left the balcony and closed that doors. She walked through her apartment and stepped into her shower, letting the cold water wash over her unclean body. She was not the pure person she was supposed to be, a ferry girl was supposed to be the purest of the pure. She sould not keep up this mask she had placeed over her true self. It was slowly fadding, but who was she really?

She had been hiding her true self for so long now, almost 200 years. How could she find who she truly was., and what about her friends. Would they accept her? Or would they reject her? She was sure they would chose the later of the two, and she knew they would have reason to do so. She is a cold, hard person underneath her mask.

She looked at her shaving razor, at the blades it had. Blades that where sharp and ready for their purpose. But what did they know of their purpose in life? They werent alive, sp how could they figure out its purpose if she couldn't? But then again, she wasnt truly alive either. She was never alive.

She glanced back at the razor and wondered how everyone would react... would they miss her and mourn her death? Or would they brush it off as some sort of unimportant accident?

What did her friends say about her when she wasn't around? Did they truly care for her? Or was she just someone who always got in the way? Could she be the subject of thousands of jokes? Do they even understand her? No, they didn't. It was this that brought her to her desicion. She stepped out of her shower and wrapped herself in a towel, leaving the bathroom with the razor still in her hands.

She got dressed quickly and took out a peice of paper. She sat for a few minutes before wrighting something on it and sticking it on her kitchen counter. She then ran beack into the bathroom, closing the door and locking it securly. She sat down in her tub with her knees against her chest and her arms steady out in front of her.

She closed her eyes as she layed the sharp razor blades against her skin. She pushed hard sweeping the razor back, she winced slightly and repeated the action on her other wrist and each of her legs. There was no going back now, she would sit there and die even if it took her all day and night.

She was sitting for ten minutes before she slashed the razor on her arms, creating more cuts. Each deeper then the last, she started to feal lightheaded and dizzy. Her eyesight began to blurr and she closed her eyes slowly. She would never open them again.

Her friends found her note and her body the next day. They read her note and took her body to be burried. Leaving the note on the counter, they were trying to forget what she had written. For they would never be themselves again, the brightest, happiest person they knew was gone and she wouldn't come flying back on her oar smiling.

_To My Dear Friends,_

_I am sorry that you are reading this, and for what I have done that made you come to find this note. But it was the only way I would be happy. I was happier then when I thought of the idea, my escape. Im gone and I hope'd you never forget me. But I realized you never truly knew me at all. I am a very different person then the Botan you know. But by now I don't know who I truly am anymore. This was my one way to find who I was. I hope you all understand and that you live on in your lives. I am not unhappy about my decision, and you shouldn't be either...._

_Love Always,  
Botan_


End file.
